tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7163441833245663827.post7493377964970235693..comments2024-03-22T10:49:51.766-05:00Comments on Horizons: RevelationNancy LeTourneauhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12614317154146836694noreply@blogger.comBlogger4125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7163441833245663827.post-15707149772887113932008-04-28T11:06:00.000-05:002008-04-28T11:06:00.000-05:00Super, have you ever read or seen the play "After ...Super, have you ever read or seen the play "After the Fall" by Arthur Miller? I think you would really identify with the main character. He struggled with exactly what you're talking about - the strive for perfection and the guilt associated with never getting there. I found it one of the most powerful pieces of literature I've ever read. It is a universal struggle you know. I think its just harder sometimes for people like you who come closer to the mark. You know that's the problem don't you? In all your fallibility and weakness, you're still about as good as we humans get. And that can be as much of a curse as it is a blessing. I say, give yourself a big hug...warts and all!!!Nancy LeTourneauhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/12614317154146836694noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7163441833245663827.post-90089808085198496052008-04-28T08:42:00.000-05:002008-04-28T08:42:00.000-05:00Thank you! :o)Sometimes I feel silly for having be...Thank you! :o)<BR/>Sometimes I feel silly for having become what I feel to be a one dimentional, one issue commenter. That being about my trevails these last three years. But in this process I've also realized that I automatically burden myself with unwarranted guilt. It's alearned reaction to growing up always believing that nothing you could do would ever be good enough. A constant need to please everyone. No one could achieve sucj\h a thing and it's inevitable that you fail. I have to get out of the guilt dynamic I heap on myself. It's probable the most destructive obstacle I need to hurdle. Self pity too. Ugly stuff.<BR/><BR/>I guess you could say I never really left BT. I think I gave it far too much importance as a sort of kindred home. I've now become one of the inconvenient disgruntled former members who says uncomfortable things. I'm not well liked there anymore :o) More tolerated than anything, I think! Or maybe just ignored :o) MaryB is still cool...and even handed as always.<BR/><BR/>Anyway, it's a big world out there! The people from BT I still feel a kinship with, even if we are political opposites are still reachable. Except perhaps for Spiderleaf, who's basically disappeared :o(, and DJanet, both of whom I miss very much. As for Boston Joe, I love the guy. I just need to work my way around his support of Obama ;O)<BR/>So, I am a hugs and kisses sort of person :o) Big baby that i am! It's always nice to catch a big hug, virtual or otherwise :o)<BR/><BR/>Off to work!supersolinghttps://www.blogger.com/profile/13333453162319754933noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7163441833245663827.post-89677226178479443972008-04-28T08:14:00.000-05:002008-04-28T08:14:00.000-05:00Hey Super - it is soooo good to hear from you. Alt...Hey Super - it is soooo good to hear from you. Although I'm sorry for all the hell you've had to go through with your family. I guess one of the differences between your tale and mine is that I never really learned to expect much from my family. It must be heart-breaking to learn the truth the way you have...after loosing your father. <BR/><BR/>You know I'm not one of those "hugs and kisses" types, but I'd give anything if I could reach out and give you a big one! My gift would be the poem in this diary. The world really is out there for you, waiting for the embrace that I know you are so capable of giving.<BR/><BR/>So you've ventured into BT land again, have you? I'll have to go check it out sometime LOL. I've found a new home at Docudharma. I was a little nervous at first with a couple of the people I saw were hanging out there (I know you know who I mean), but they've pretty much abandoned the place lately (not enough drama I guess - he, he) and whats left is an awful lot of interesting folks. Boston Joe has made a couple of short appearances lately, which was fun to see. <BR/><BR/>Anyway, its always great hearing from you again. You are one VERY special man!!!Nancy LeTourneauhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/12614317154146836694noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7163441833245663827.post-10673027595497051742008-04-28T06:47:00.000-05:002008-04-28T06:47:00.000-05:00Hello Nancy,I've not been too visible lately (exce...Hello Nancy,<BR/>I've not been too visible lately (except for tantrums at BT!), but I do occasionally drop in here to read. I can always find words that make me think and reflect, even if I rarely comment on what I find. In other words, thanks :o)<BR/><BR/>The process I've gone through since the death of my father almost three years ago has been a revelation to me as well. It initiated the shattering of most if not all my delusions of family and loyalty. When 90 percent of them (my family of origin) turned on me it left me bewildered and angry because I had believed, delusionally it turns out. that I had played my role as son and brother admirably and that I'd earned the right to be trusted unconditionally. When I was attacked it threw my world upside down and eventually left me unable to cope for the first time in my life with adversity. I virtually shut down. I literally stopped going to work for 4 months. In retrospect I can see now that I more or less had a sort of nervous breakdown.<BR/><BR/>In those four months I came to realize that I too was virtually on my own. I also came to understand though that it was because I chose to stand on principle and refuse to cave in to family propaganda and control issues that had been present, if vaguely recognized, all my life. And it was in that defiance that I was tossed aside as no longer a willing and acquiessent victim of a dominating authority who demanded complete obedience.<BR/><BR/>It is only recently in the last 2 or 3 months of this drawn out experience that I'm beginning to get a sense of having my legs under me again. And while it's good to be able to "feel" again, it also has brought the reality of my situation and all the difficult tasks and hurdles I face alone into searing reality. And it's really frightening realizing you're on your own. Even in spite of what I always felt as a solid sense of my abilities to perservere through any hardship or change. My invinceability has been peeled away. Allowing yourself to be vulnerable...and solely responsible for your own choices in life is no easy transition. But the alternative is to knuckle under to family dogma and control in order to reap the protection that had always been there. It's too high a price to pay. Freedom also comes at a price. But being able to fully feel and interpret my own self and to negotiate my way through the world on my terms, on principle is something that I could never again trade away for delusional safety.<BR/><BR/>Thank you so much for sharing your life here Nancy. I can't say how much it helps to know that this isn't happening just to me. I know that may sound silly, but it's so easy to feel isolated and and singled out for abuse.<BR/><BR/>Take caresupersolinghttps://www.blogger.com/profile/13333453162319754933noreply@blogger.com