I don't work on Fridays, so this morning was the first time I went to work following the Newtown tragedy. It wasn't until I had to make the transition that I realized that I'm depressed. The symptoms are: a knot in the pit of my stomach, heaviness in my chest, I feel like crying all the time, and having a tough time focusing on other things.
The difference with this kind of depression is that I know WHY I feel that way. I don't know that I can do anything to make it go away. I just have to do my best to live through it and know that eventually it will diminish. I remember going through the same thing in the days after Columbine.
I'm choosing to write about this because I think there are probably lots of others that are feeling this way too. It helps to know that you're not alone.
There's also something about not noticing it as long as I'm wrapped up in reading about it all on the internet and watching it on TV. It wasn't until I stepped away from it all that I could feel what's going on with me.
I think feeling depressed after an event like this is healthy. Its not something that I want to run away from. What I'm more worried about is actually going back to that place where I don't notice because I'm so wrapped up in the frenetic energy of reacting to every new detail.
So tonight I'm going to take a break from it all and just let myself feel how I feel. Join me if you'd like.