Saturday, May 21, 2011

Rapture Ready

It comes as no surprise that Jim Wright at Stonekettle Station is the one who could bring this recovering fundamentalist to tears of laughter with his take on 10 reasons why Doomsday will be awesome.

1) Hell Finally Freezes Over: I.e. if the world ends now, the Cleveland Indians go out on a winning streak!

2) Free Shit: I call dibs on Kirk Cameron’s house, let’s go see if he left behind any cool Growing Pains memorabilia. Also, you find a car with a Jesus Fish on it, it’s yours – of course you’ll have to peel off the Bush/Cheney stickers, but what the heck, right?

3) Rapture Balloons: Get yourself some stout string. Cut it into six-foot lengths. Make a slip knot on one end. As soon as you see somebody starting to lift off, slip the loop around their ankle and hook the other end to something heavy. Rapture balloon. Collect the whole set.

4) Free Space Program: Lash a bunch of Rapture Balloons together like a raft. Add cargo. What? They’re going right past the International Space Station anyway, it’s not like it’s out of the way.

5) Funniest Home Videos: You’ve got to expect that a bunch of screaming naked people getting sucked up into space is going to be pretty damned hysterical. Word of advice though, try not to stand underneath them – seagulls are bad enough, just saying, and you know, a lot of these people are afraid of heights.

6) Mini Golf: By definition everybody left behind is damned. Heaven is closed. Period. Not much point in keeping all those churches then, is there? That’s a lot of prime real estate. What do we do with it? Mini Golf. Jesus loves the Giant Windmill, just saying.

7) Equality for all: Monday morning we’ll be issuing all the gay marriage licenses you like. No bitching. No bullshit. Be happy and congratulations.

8) Improved Education: We can finally teach biology in school without interruption.

9) Skeet Shooting: Yes, that’s right, skeet shooting. I live on a hill. I’ve got a shotgun and a couple of cases of buckshot. All I need is a lawn-chair and a cooler of beer. The rest of Saturday should pretty much take care of itself. What? It’s not like you can hurt them, they’re saved right? Send up another Rapture Balloon!

and finally,

10) Fewer Selfish Assholes. Less crowed highways. There’ll be a bunch of job openings. Less trolls on the Science forums. You can sleep in on the weekends without some Evangelical Rapture Monkey banging on your door at 8Am to sell you The Jesus.

There's way more over there to see. Like I skipped the part where he lists his schadenfreude fantasies and his real life encounter with the Campers. So go check out the whole thing.

But one story before you do. I spent a couple of years of high school in a christian fundamentalist boarding school. One time my dorm mother made the case that we should always keep our rooms clean and tidy because if the rapture happened, we'd want to leave a good witness behind. NO LIE!!!!! Of course, since those who might see it would all be damned to eternal hell anyway, I'm not sure why it mattered. But that didn't seem relevant to her.

Anyway, here's a song for all the disappointed rapturists who are stuck here on earth with the rest of us.


  1. I did go to Stonekettle Station and read that, plus his follow-up post. My god, I laughed so hard I thought I was going to rapture, er, rupture something.

    The tidy dorm room reminds me of the old stricture to always wear clean, un-torn underwear in case you were hit by a car, though there's at least a modicum of reality in the latter. I did wonder though why my mother seemed more concerned with what the hospital workers would think of my underpants than about the possibility I might get killed.

    (I was at the physical therapist the other day and had to pull my jeans down. "Oh god," I said, "There a rip in my underpants!" The pt (an older man) laughed out loud and said, "Didn't your mother ever tell you…")

  2. OMG! I hadn't seen the follow-up post until just now. I can't believe its possible, but I think that one's even funnier.

    And you're not so bad either: rapture/rupture.

    I don't know if its an omen or anything. But I bought some new underwear today. At least I'll go out in style.

  3. I think wearing new underwear would be good luck. It's probably only people with old torn stuff who get hit by cars. I'd better be careful!


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